Setting Angels Free
Danny/Allison | PG-13 | 14,755 words | Future Fic | 03 August, 2009
Betas: abusing_sarcasm, who puts up with all my crazy shit. I owe her my first born for making her read this. And daisiesdaily, who also puts up with all my crazy shit. Poor girl.
Warnings: None. Everyone is of age in this fic. There’s nothing explicit, just some foul language and mild violence and sexuality.
Summary: When Allison turns eighteen, Danny doesn’t know how to handle the feelings that have been plaguing him for the better part of a year.
Notes: This is not my normal pairing. I really only write Kradam, but this plot bunny wouldn’t leave me alone. Despite the fact that I’m not a Danny/Allison fan, I’m actually rather proud of this. I struggled a lot with many different aspects, but I think it turned out pretty well. Hopefully you like it too! Also, Adam makes a ass-kicking appearance. :D
Soundtrack
(what I was listening to while writing)
Sorrow – Flyleaf
P.Y.T – Danny Gokey
Renegade – Kris Allen & Danny Gokey
I Can't Make You Love Me – Allison Iraheta (and Bonnie Raitt's original)
So What – Pink
Tailor made – Colbie Caillat
Battle – Colbie Caillat
Nick of Time – Bonnie Raitt
What Hurts the Most – Danny Gokey (and Rascal Flatt's Original)
Download the Soundtrack here.
***
When Allison turns eighteen years old, Danny feels much more relief than he knows he should. It’s like he’s exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding, but somehow, the knowledge that the spunky girl that’s been on his mind far more than she should have been is now… “legal,” as some might want to say, doesn’t necessarily assuage the guilt he has at thinking about her like that at all. She’s twelve years younger than him, and practically a kid – about as old as some of his nieces and nephews – he knows it’s wrong, and yet…he still can’t stop thinking about her after the tour is over and everyone all go their separate ways.
He’s a righteous man, he thinks, a man of God – such carnal desires shouldn’t get the best of him, and he tries to keep reminding himself that it’s just a rebound – Sophia’s only been gone for a year when he realizes his behavior towards Allison is rooted in something deeper than older-brotherly affection. His wife is dead, and she was his life, and something about Allison must remind him of Sophia, that same spark, or else he can’t possibly have any reason to think about little Allison Iraheta that way. No reason to want.
He prays every night. He prays as he always has, but his prayers are longer and more concentrated on the nights when he can feel that want bubbling up to the surface. He prays for forgiveness, for strength, for clarity – for guidance through the jumbled mess of his mortal, sinful thoughts. He’s starting to think God isn’t listening to him anymore, and wonders if his faith is being tested, when the night of his debut album release party arrives.
He’s so excited he can barely stand it – the day has finally arrived, and his very first album is coming out tomorrow. It’s taken a lot of hard work, and he wondered sometimes if it would ever happen, seeing as it’s been nearly a year since the tour ended, and now he’s thirty, but it’s finally done, and the album art looks fantastic, and Sophia’s Heart Foundation is flourishing, and he’s on top of the world.
He’s invited everyone – not just the people that helped on the album, but all his fellow Idols, all his friends and family, and he thinks more than a few media outlets are hanging around as well.
Kris is on tour, and can’t make it, but he called Danny to congratulate him, and really, what more could he ask for from Kris? He’s long past not being America’s favorite vocalist. He’s excited that Adam and Michael and Matt will be there, and he hopes Anoop and Lil and Scott and Meg can make it out, though he thinks Meg’s overseas filming something or another.
As he bounces on the balls of his feet, looking over the heads of the people filling the small banquet hall, he realizes the person he’s really waiting on is Allison. She hadn’t said for sure if she’d make it, but she sounded hopeful. When he realizes this, he freezes and mentally checks himself. If she comes, she comes, he thinks. There are so many other important people here he needs to greet.
It’s an hour or so in, and he’s just finished talking with a local DJ when he turns around and there. Danny would recognize that color of red no matter where he was. He excuses himself, and makes a beeline for Allison, who looks like she’s chatting with Adam, who stands out on his own, even in this crowd of native L.A. industry socialites.
“Danny!” Allison cries when she sees him, and launches herself into his arms.
“Alli! Heya, girl, it’s good to see you. I’m glad you could make it.” He gives her an extra hard squeeze and tries not to breathe in her scent before releasing her.
“I’m so happy for you! I’ve listened to some of it – it’s gonna break the charts,” she says, giving him an Allison Iraheta Patented Double Thumbs-Up.
Danny laughs and says, “Thanks.”
“Hey, is it all right that I brought someone?” Allison asks. “They weren’t on the list, but I figured I could ask…see if it’d be cool…”
“Oh, yeah, sure, sure! Bring in whomever!” He gestures over one of his handlers. “Maggie, make sure Allison’s friend gets let in, all right?”
“No problem, Danny,” Maggie says with a smile, and she and Allison walk away towards the entrance.
“Having fun, man?” Adam asks Danny.
Danny looks away from staring at Allison, hoping his affection isn’t that obvious. “Yeah, man, yeah. This is insane.”
Adam smiles and pats Danny’s shoulder. “It’s about damn time, Gokey. We’ve all been waitin’ on you.”
Danny laughs. “Well, I’m sure it’s worth the wait. I hope so, anyhow.”
Adam nods. “Not exactly my style, as you know, but it sounds really good, and I’m proud of you. We all are. Speaking of which, Matt! Over here!” Adam waves his arm in the air, and Matt emerges from the crowd.
“Adam, my man! And Danny Gokey, man of the hour. Come here, you badass,” Matt greets, shaking Danny’s hand and enveloping him into a hug. “This is brilliant, man, just brilliant.”
“Thanks, man. Really. That means a lot.”
“Yeah, I just got finished listening to some of the tracks,” Matt says, pointing to a set of tall tables with MP3 players and headphones waiting for those who want to listen to the tracks in earnest. Danny opted not to have his CD playing overhead for his debut party. He wasn’t that tacky. “I gotta say,” Matt continues, “Setting Angels Free was fucking gorgeous, man. Nearly had me crying.”
“You cry over everything, Matt,” Adam jibes playfully.
“Only over the fact that you won’t put out for me, Adam,” Matt retorts, and they all share some chuckles. Man, it was just like being back with family. Danny couldn’t be happier.
Allison comes bounding up to them again, all flashes of multi-colored hair and dark red plaid, complete with white lace. Attached to her arms is a weird-looking fellow, far too pale to be from Southern California.
“Hey, everyone! This is my boyfriend, Jeremy.”
And there goes my good mood, he thinks.
Danny knows he registers her introducing them all to each other, and even keeps on his mechanic smile, shaking Jeremy’s hand a little roughly, but all he hears is a rushing sound in his ears, getting louder and louder. Check yourself, Danny. Check yourself.
But Jeremy is a scrawny little thing, practically still in diapers, and he looks far more star-struck than he has any right being. His girlfriend is Allison Iraheta. Shouldn’t he be used to the ‘being around celebrities’ thing? How’d he even land a girl as awesome as Allison in the first place? Danny mentally rolls his eyes. The jerk probably wears the skirt in the relationship. Allison probably bowls him over. That isn’t what she needs, he thinks.
“So…Jeremy,” Danny says, “what exactly do you do?”
“Oh, I’m Jackson Hawthorne’s son,” Jeremy says stupidly, as if Danny’s supposed to know who that is.
That wasn’t what I asked, moron. Danny forces his eyes not to roll skyward.
“Jackson Hawthorne is one of the producers. On my new album,” Allison explains. “Actually, he was just one of the producer’s friends from my last album, you know, hanging out with us and stuff, but he asked if we could work together on some new material. Probably nothing for an album any time soon. Just talking about it. Jackson introduced me to Jeremy one day, and we just, you know, hit it off!”
Wonderful.
“That’s wonderful, honey, I’m so happy for you,” says Adam, and Danny’s trying not to snort.
“How long you two lovebirds been dating?” asks Matt.
“Oh…not too long. A few weeks, maybe?” says Allison, and Danny feels somewhat relieved. Not too attached then. Good.
“Hey…I’m gonna go get a drink,” Danny says, feeling the need to walk away for a moment before he loses it. “Anyone want anything?”
“Something with vodka,” says Adam.
“Something fruity?” says Matt, which earns him a giggle from Adam and a muttered, “of course,” from Allison.
“What? It’s gotta taste good,” Matt defends.
“I’ll have-”
“A Shirley Temple,” Adam cuts Allison off. “Alli, don’t think you can get away with drinking underage just because you’re at a party with alcohol.”
Allison sputters. “I wasn’t, man... I just thought, you know…since you guys are here…”
“No such luck, poppet,” Matt says as Danny walks away from the group. He thinks he hears Jeremy say, “Does Danny want to know what I want?”
Like he cares what Jeremy wants.
In the end, he figures Jeremy isn’t old enough to drink anyway, so he gets two Shirley Temples, a vodka tonic for Adam, some Malibu something for Matt, and a rum and coke for himself. He doesn’t normally drink all that often…it really isn’t his thing, but tonight is just one of those nights, he can tell.
An hors d’oeurves waiter insists on helping carry all the drinks, so Danny has a trailing waiter as he arrives back at the group. Michael has joined them, and after exchanging hugs and greetings, Danny sends the waiter back to get Michael a drink. Danny’s forgotten that all these people are working for him, so all he has to do is ask for something and it happens. It’s nice.
If it wouldn’t cause Allison to leave as well, he’d ask someone to kick Jeremy out.
He drinks his rum and coke fairly quickly, he thinks, but the reality of it is it’s really only a double shot of alcohol, in a glass filled more with ice than liquid. How much is the record label paying for this stupid thing? He gets a waiter to bring him another, feeling a pleasant buzz building as he chats with his old friends.
Some Important People eventually call him away, and he’s off doing rounds again, leaving his friends in a happy cluster. He keeps giving them longing looks from across the room, eyeing the way Jeremy is practically draping himself all over Allison. As soon as he gets a chance, he’s back with his friends, grabbing a chair from a nearby table and wedging himself between Adam and Allison.
“Hey, guys, still having fun?”
There’s an agreeable sentiment around the group, and then Jeremy says, “Actually, Allison and I should get going…she’s got a busy day tomorrow, don’t you?”
Danny feels himself start to outright glare at Jeremy, and forces a smile on his face. When did this little freak get so cocky? Danny saw right through him. He thought he could act all unassuming and Danny wouldn’t notice. Well, he did notice and he wasn’t going to just let it slide.
“Hey, Alli, before you go, do you think I could talk to you for a minute?” Danny asks, and knows he receives a few odd looks from the group.
“Yeah, sure,” says Allison, and Danny turns his face away so he doesn’t have to really see Allison lean over and kiss Jeremy briefly on the mouth, saying, “Be right back, babe.”
Danny leads them away from the table the group had settled at, and to a corner behind a pillar where the party is mostly blocked from view.
“Hey, man, what’s up?” Allison says in her scratchy voice, which shouldn’t be as sexy to him as it is.
Danny opens his mouth and realizes he doesn’t know what to say. He settles on, “Are you happy?”
“Happy? Yeah, man, I’m happy.” She laughs. “What’s this about, Danny?”
“Well, I…” He sighs, taking off his glasses, rubbing the bridge of his nose and placing them back on his face. The buzz from the alcohol is starting to wind down, and he realizes as sure as he is about his feelings on the subject, he’s not quite emboldened enough to do anything about it.
“Hey…are you okay?” Allison says, stepping closer to him, placing a hand on his arm. “Do you need to talk about something?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I do, but I don’t think…I don’t think now is the time.”
Allison gives him a sympathetic smile and rubs his arm a bit. “Aw… Man, it’s okay. You know you can talk to me whenever, right?”
“Yeah, yeah,” he replies, feeling like chicken shit.
“Come here,” Allison says, and pulls Danny down into a hug. He holds her close maybe a fraction of a second longer than he should, and he hopes she doesn’t notice.
“Maybe you just need some sleep or somethin’, yeah, man?” Allison says, pulling back. “You’ve been working pretty hard. You deserve a little R&R.”
Danny chuckles, smiling. “Yeah, yeah, I guess I do.”
“I’ve gotta go. But call me anytime, okay?”
So Danny watches her bounce away, all scarlet curls and spunky, infectious personality, and closes his eyes, cursing himself for feeling how he feels and wishes it would all go away.
***
Over the next few weeks, Danny debates on calling Allison several times a day. He talks himself out of it more often than not, and the other times, just as he thinks he’s gotten up the nerve, he gets a call from one of his handlers, or his mom, or something interrupts him, and he tells himself that it’s just not meant to be.
Then one day, Maggie sits him down and says point-blank to him, “Fucking snap out of it, Gokey.”
“Er…what?” Danny’s staring at her with wide eyes. Maggie’s never said anything so bold around him. Where was this side of her hiding?
“Get laid, drink yourself through a near-death experience, go to church, I don’t care, but do something.”
“Do something about what?”
“Danny, you’ve been an agitated pain in my ass for the last week. I don’t know what happened or when, but figure out how to deal with it, or find yourself a new handler. Now, I love my job, and you having a diva moment doesn’t scare me, but I’ve worked with you long enough to know something’s not right. So, as your employee, and hopefully your more-than-acquaintance, I’m asking you to figure out what’s bothering you, so we can be more productive. Your tour is coming up quick, and I need you focused. Everyone needs you focused. Okay?”
Danny sits back for a second, thinking about if his behavior has really changed that much.
“Okay?” Maggie prompts him again.
Danny looks up at her and nods. “Okay.”
When Maggie is gone, Danny goes out on his balcony and pulls out his cell. He finds the number he’s looking for, and presses “send,” holding his breath.
“Allison! Hey, hi…it’s Danny.” He pauses, smiling at her enthusiastic greeting. “Hey, um…I was wondering if you wanted to get together sometime soon… Just the two of us,” he clarifies, waiting for her answer. It’s an affirmative. “Okay, great. Um...when are you free? Mm-hm. Okay. Yeah, I think that works for me. Um…how about we go to Griffith Park? Have a picnic or something? My treat. Okay, yeah, great! See you then. Bye.”
Danny exhales a huge breath. Step one, complete.
But on the other side of step one is step two, and now Danny is probably the most terrified he’s ever been in his life, excepting when he learned he was going to be living the rest of his life without Sophie. That nearly destroyed him. But this can’t be that bad, can it? He’s just blowing this way out of proportion. It’s just a crush. Danny will tell Allison about it, and she’ll tease him, and they’ll have a good laugh and move on.
Easy.
Right?
***
It’s a rather hot day, even for L.A., and Danny misses Wisconsin, where you can go spend some time on Lake Michigan, and even on the hottest of days, it isn’t anything like this bleak, colorless desert of Southern California. At least in Wisconsin, it’s still green, even if a little humid. He’ll be glad when he’s out on the road touring, or finally back home, relaxing after a hard year’s work.
He’s wondering if he should just call Allison and tell her that it is too hot to spend the day picnicking when he sees her scarlet head coming down the path, sunglasses firmly in place on her nose, even wearing a cute dark purple dress with poofy, capped sleeves, and he feels his face light up.
Man, she’s so pretty.
She bounces up to him like she always does, big smile on her lips. “Danny, hey!” She gives him a quick hug, and points to the basket in his hand. “Is that for me?”
Danny laughs. “For us, yeah. Nothing fancy. I just picked up some sandwiches and stuff at a market. I borrowed the basket from someone on staff.”
“Nice, man, nice… So, should we find some shade to plop down in? It’s pretty hot today, for June.”
“Yeah, it is. I was almost going to call it off,” he admits, and watches as her eyebrows crinkle.
“Oh, you mid-western softy,” she teases.
“Hey, you were the one who just said it was hot,” Danny says, turning and walking up the path that leads deeper into one of the few nice, grassy parks in Los Angeles.
“That I did, man. So – what did you want to talk about?” she asks point-blank, taking him off guard. But Allison was never known for her subtlety and smooth-talking.
“I, um… How about we find a place to settle down first, and eat something,” Danny suggests, and they walk a while longer in silence, which Danny realizes, with Allison, is a rare commodity. It’s borderline uncomfortable, for him at least, but Allison just nods and walks along with him, her sneakers scuffing on the hot pavement.
Only she could wear sneakers with a dress and make it look adorably charming, he thinks.
He almost wants to reach out and take her hand, but it’d be a stupid move at this point and he knows it. Then there’s her bookbag resting on her hip between them, and as they walk along, she clasps her hands behind her back and hums a little tune, hopping and skipping next to him.
“So…how’s your second album coming?” Danny asks, just to destroy the silence.
“Oh, pretty well, I think. Working with some awesome people, writing more material… Working on my guitar skills,” she replies.
“That’s good.”
“I’m surprised you had time for this, actually,” she says. “Aren’t you going on tour soon?”
“In a few weeks, yeah.”
“Crazy, man, crazy.”
“Well, it’s mostly just opening acts, but there’s a few smaller venues, where it’s all about me,” he says, feeling a little cocky, and Allison laughs. He likes that reaction. He wants to make her laugh and smile all the time.
They find a little copse of trees that block most of the sun, and Danny apologizes for not having a blanket to sit on.
“That’s okay, man,” Allison says, reclining on the grass next to him. “The grass is pretty cool.”
Danny is glad he wore shorts today, after feeling the cool grass on his legs. He almost takes off his shoes, but Allison doesn’t need to see that, he laughs to himself.
He opens the basket, pulling out some napkins, some fresh hoagies, a couple of cokes and some chips.
“I hope this is all okay,” he says, feeling stupid for feeling so nervous, like this is a first date. Which it isn’t.
“Dude, this is nice. Really. It’s simple. Simple is good in our line of work,” Allison says smartly, and Danny forgets that she’s only eighteen for a moment.
They chat idly, sharing some recording stories, reliving memories from American Idol and the tour, and Danny starts to feel more relaxed. As he polishes off his sandwich, he gets the nerve to ask, “So…are you and Jeremy still together?”
Allison has pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head at this point, and looks at him with reading eyes, and Danny is glad he’s still wearing his…glad that he actually needs them to see. He feels naked enough as it is.
“Yeah, yeah we are.”
“He’s being good to you?”
Allison gives him that look again as she smiles a little and puts a chip in her mouth. “Yes,” she replies, the chip crunching loudly.
“That’s good.”
Allison wipes her hands on a napkin. “Danny…” she starts.
“I think he’s wrong for you,” Danny blurts out, and at the look on her face, he wishes he didn’t feel like he always had to speak his mind. Though he’s been holding in what he wants to say long enough, he thinks, and that’s a feat for him. He’s never been good at diplomacy, unless he’s in front of a camera, and then he’s startlingly aware of his words, even if they never seem to come out the way he means them to.
“What?” Allison asks, and Danny thinks, it’s now or never.
“I just…I dunno. I know I don’t know him, but he just didn’t seem like the right kind of guy for you, Alli.”
“Oh?” Her tone is starting to spell ‘danger’ to Danny, but he can’t stop.
“I’m just…trying to look after you, you know? I’m not saying he’s a horrible person, I’m just saying…he seems like…well, like he can’t take care of you. Like you overshadow him too much. Like he’s not strong enough for you.”
Allison is looking at him with wide eyes and a bit of an ‘oh really?’ face. He keeps going.
“You’re a beautiful, spunky, angel of a girl, Allison. You should have someone strong at your back. Not someone who’s going to hide in your shadow. You’re too good for that.”
“I see,” she finally says, looking to her lap.
“Look, I’m sorry. I know I’m probably crossing a line-”
Allison’s head snaps up. “Yeah, Danny, you are. You don’t know shit about me and Jeremy. You have no idea what we’re about.”
“I…”
Allison stands and brushes off her dress. “I’m not sure why you felt the need to tell me all those things, Danny. Jeremy and I are doing just fine. You and I…. We never see each other, so I don’t know why you feel like you’ve gotta protect me or something. I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. I can vote and everything now.”
“Alli, wait-” Danny says as Allison makes to stalk off. He scrambles to his feet and follows, grabbing her wrist.
“Don’t grab me!” she snaps, pulling out of his grip. “You know I don’t like to be grabbed at!”
“I know, I know, I’m sorry. I’m…I’m screwing this up. I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry,” he settles with.
Allison sighs, looking up at him, her shoulders slumping. “Danny, what is this about? Really?”
Danny takes off his sunglasses so she can see his eyes. He pulls his glasses case out of his pocket and slips his regular glasses on, putting the sunglasses in the case and snapping it shut. Sliding the case back in his pocket he holds out his hand, waiting for her to take it. She does, hesitantly, and he leads her back into the shade of their picnic spot. He sits down, crossing his legs, and waits for her to situate herself across from him. He really doesn’t have the words for this, but he’s going to try.
“Alli… Allison. I… This is kinda hard for me, because I’m not used to having to really say things like this. I feel like I’m back in high school or something. It’s been a really long time.
But…I like you. I like you a lot. I like you more than I should, and for longer than I should. So, maybe I’m a little jealous of Jeremy. But I’ve been trying really hard to ignore these feelings, and I can’t.” He stops looking at her at some point towards the beginning of his speech, and instead of using his hands to talk like he normally does, he’s playing with the blades of grass between them. “I didn’t even want to tell you. I like having you as a friend, and I don’t want to change that.”
Allison is silent for a long time, and he’s too chicken to look up and see her expression.
“I…” She clears her throat, and he looks up at the sound. She’s looking at his fingers in the grass. “So…how long?” she finally asks.
Danny feels the heat rising to his cheeks, and he knows it’s not just the weather. “Longer than I really want to say.”
“How long, Danny?” she asks again, and it’s almost a demand.
Danny sighs. “Since the tour. Since sometime during the tour.”
“The tour?” she asks, and her tone is a little shocked. “That long?”
Danny swallows and looks away from her searching gaze, which is asking too many questions for him to answer.
“Yeah. Look, I know it’s weird, all right? I know I’m much older than you. I know that. I know how this looks, but I’m not a pervert. I’m not like that. I haven’t been thinking about you that way. Not really. I just realized…during the tour, that I liked you a little more than I should.”
Allison sits there in silence for moments that feel like hours, and Danny is starting to fidget. It’s probably only been a minute when she says, “This is…this is kind of a lot, Danny.”
“I know. I know, and I’m sorry. Look, we can just forget about it. It’s just a dumb crush. It’s stupid, really. It’s not a big deal.” Danny thinks this is mostly a lie, and by the look on Allison’s face, she’s thinking the same thing. “You’re just a lot like…. Like Sophia,” he says, but it feels like an excuse. Another lie.
“Okay. Well, okay,” says Allison. “Um…I think… I think I’m gonna go,” she says as she stands.
Danny winces. “I’m sorry, Allison. Really. I never meant for this to happen. I mean, I didn't want it. I didn't want to hurt you, at least,” he says lamely, looking up at her.
She looks down and smiles at him, but it’s strained. “It’s okay, Danny. I just…need some time to process all of it, okay?”
Danny nods. “Okay. Yeah, okay.”
“See ya, Danny.” She gives him a weak wave, and then she’s walking away.
And Danny feels like he just destroyed one of the good things that resulted from the pain he went through when he lost Sophia.
“Shit.”
***
Danny doesn’t necessarily feel any more focused like Maggie said he needed to be, but he pushes through it. He figures he said what he needed to say, he did what he thought was right – being honest – and now it’s in God’s hands. There is no point in dwelling on it, so he focuses on his work – interviews and rehearsals, costume fittings and late nights distracting himself with dumb television, surfing the web, messing around on Twitter, anything he can to take his mind off the fact that he hasn’t talked to Allison since that day.
Then he’s on the road, his first solo tour under way, and he realizes he’s actually a lot more excited about this than he thought he was. His band is amazing, and he’s opening for some of the hottest artists out there. His first few times up on stage, he feels the rush of being in front of an audience again, and it pumps him full of adrenaline, and other than dedicating Setting Angels Free to his dearly departed wife, he doesn’t say much to the crowd, except to get them pumped up and ready for the next set. He learned quickly how talking too much to the crowd could bring the place down during the Idol tour, and while he doesn’t regret anything he said, or his message, he knows there’s a time and place for it, and as an opening act, it isn’t it.
A week into his tour, he’s in Seattle, playing his first solo gig at the Showbox in SODO. Someone mentions to him that David Cook played here last year, to a great reaction, and Danny prays for the same for himself. He’s confident he can do it. David Cook might have been the winner of American Idol the season before him, but he was in the top three of his own season and he’s got a strong following; his fan base has only grown since his album’s release. His first single is rising on the charts every day, and he thinks if he can’t pull off a smaller venue like the Showbox solo, then he isn’t cut out for anything but being an opening act.
He’s staying at the Westin, two tall circular buildings that rise up of downtown Seattle like twin towers, and he’s lucky to have such an awesome view of the city from his room. It’s pricey, he knows, but he wants to splurge for him and his band a little this time – it feels like a special few days – his show starts tomorrow night at 7:30.
He’s out on the balcony, looking over his schedule for tomorrow on his new phone, saving a few items to his calendar when there’s a knock on his door. Continuing to scroll through the list Maggie sent him – fantastic! He has some time to book some in-room spa treatment tomorrow – he saunters to the door and opens it, wondering who would need him at this hour. It’s nearly 11:30, and everyone is pretty tired; he’s thinking of heading to bed himself.
In fact, he's tired enough that seeing Allison standing on the other side of the door has him wondering if his mind is playing tricks on him.
Danny’s jaw drops open. “A-Allison!”
“Hello, Danny.” She looks tired. Haggard, almost.
Danny stands there for a minute more before shaking himself out of his daze and inviting her in.
“Not that I’m not…I’m not happy to see you, but what are you doing here? In Seattle?” Danny asks, closing the door behind her and following her into his room.
Allison stops in front of the large windows and the glass doors that lead out onto the balcony. Danny left them open, and there’s a stiff breeze blowing Allison’s long curls around, twisting and tangling behind her. Danny can’t see her face.
“Jeremy,” she starts before pausing, her voice sounding a little raw, from disuse, Danny thinks, and he can’t stop the thought that it makes her voice sexier, and glad she can’t see him wince at his own thoughts. “Jeremy and I broke up,” she finishes, and Danny doesn’t know what to say.
“I’m sorry,” he settles with in the end.
“It’s not your fault.”
Danny walks up to stand next to her. “I know that. But I’m sorry it happened. It wasn’t… It didn’t have anything to do with…” He trails off because he’s already realizing how conceited he sounds.
“No, no, it wasn’t you,” Allison assures him, and sets down her small bag on the floor, turning to him. Her hair is still blowing in the breeze, and her t-shirt is rumpled, her jeans faded, and her boots look almost too big for her. She’s not wearing any make-up, and her lips look chewed on. She’s still beautiful, Danny thinks, a little wild even, and it reminds him of certain days on tour with her. Exhausted, but full of life nevertheless.
“Do you…do you want to talk about it?” Danny asks, thinking this is the sensible route, when all he really wants to do is pull her into his arms and let all the pain and tension thrumming through her small body flow into him, where he can conquer it and make it better for her. But he has no delusions. He knows he’s not a knight in shining armor, and you can’t really take pain away – you can only make it more bearable.
“I dunno. Maybe,” she says, shrugging her shoulders.
There’s a sofa in his room, along with his king-sized bed; he was surprised to learn that this is the smallest room they have. He doesn’t touch her, but he gestures towards the couch, sitting down at one end quickly, and letting her sit as near or as far from him as she wishes.
It’s somewhere in the middle.
She slumps down on the cushion next to his, facing forward, her knees tightly together, her hands clasped and held between her legs, and she looks so strange sitting there like she’s been defeated. Danny thinks that this is probably her first relationship, and he wonders why she’s not back in L.A. with her mom, who would be much better suited for this conversation.
He’s turned towards her, one knee up on the couch, and he tilts his head, waiting. He really doesn’t know what to say, and he’ll wait as long as he has to, but still, he thinks, should he tell her all men are douche bags? Will that help? Probably not. Or should he shower her with compliments about how awesome and beautiful she is, and how she’ll bounce back from this, stronger than ever? No, that will probably seem like a come on, which isn’t what she needs. So he waits.
“You weren’t right about Jeremy,” she finally says, and he blinks.
“Um,” he clears his throat, “oh yeah?”
“No, you weren’t. It wasn’t that he wasn’t strong enough for me. It wasn’t that I was too much for him. I…I thought you might be right, after that conversation we had, because thinking back on it, yeah, he seemed kinda like a pushover. Turns out he was the complete opposite.”
“What happened?”
“He started…I dunno, man. He started being assertive. Too assertive. He started…”
“Did he hit you?” Danny surprises himself in asking, especially in the demanding, protective tone he uses.
“No, no. Not really. No,” Allison says. “He wasn’t physical about any of it. It was just…he was manipulative, Danny. He found some way into my head, and he kept making me think things were one way when they were another.” Her voice has risen a little at the end, and Danny itches to reach out to her.
“I don’t know what happened. I told him no at some point, once I realized what was happening, and he kept trying, Danny, he kept trying… Playing tricks with my head, fucking up my friendships. And my friends kept telling me, but I wouldn’t listen. And then his friends would say things, right to my face, and he wouldn’t say a damn thing. He’d brush it off like…like it was nothing.”
She turns to look up at Danny, and he can see that the reason her voice is shaking isn’t because she’s about to cry, but because she's pissed off. Her eyes are bright with anger, and her lips are pressed into a thin line. Danny isn’t sure if the anger is directed at him, so he just stares back, brow worried.
“So I dumped his ass.”
The abrupt simplicity of the statement catches Danny of guard and he can’t help it, he starts laughing. Allison stares at him for a second, but then a smile spreads on her mouth and she is laughing too, and then she adds, “Right in front of his friends!” She’s giggling uncontrollably, and her body starts to lean towards his, and his arm automatically goes around her shoulders, pulling her a little bit closer.
She looks up at him, and he starts to recoil, thinking he’s crossed that boundary again, but she only grabs his shirt collar and pulls him down, pressing her lips against his. “Thank you,” she whispers against his lips before he has a chance to even compute what’s happening, let alone react, and kisses him again, this time with more purpose.
He inhales as he closes his eyes and kisses her back, her mouth slanting against his, and her lips are soft, even after been chewed on, he thinks. They press their lips together again and again while it gets harder and harder for Danny to breathe, and then her tongue brushes his lips ever so slightly, and it jars his senses, so he pulls away.
It had felt good – exhilarating, even, to have a first kiss with someone he cares about. It’s been a very long time. But he doesn’t want to take advantage, and that’s exactly what he’d be doing – taking advantage.
She’s blinking up at him with her dark brown eyes, and he can see her confusion.
“Allison… Alli,” he says, and he stops himself from taking her face in his hands and kissing every part of it he can reach. “I… We shouldn’t. It’s not right.”
“What’s not right about it?” she asks.
“You’re not…you’re not thinking clearly,” he says. “You just…you just broke up with your boyfriend, and hopped on a plane to Seattle. I don’t even know what you’re doing here, to be honest. I mean, I’m happy to have you here, but why aren’t you in L.A., talking to your mom about this? Why here? Why me?”
“Why not you?”
“Well, I don’t know why you couldn’t have just told me all of this on the phone.”
“Because,” she says, and it seems like she’s trying to find the right words, “because you were the one to actually get me to notice what everyone else had been trying to tell me. And I had to thank you for that.”
Her excuse seems flimsy, but he doesn’t say anything directly. “By getting on a plane?”
“I didn’t… I never really thought about it, before. You and I. But then you told me that you had a crush on me, and I just…I thought I would…”
Danny can see where this is going. He can see it, and it’s not a good thing. He squashes the part of him that says to just go with it, because that’s what he’s wanted, right?
God, give me strength.
“Allison-”
“No, Danny. I know what you’re thinking. That I just dumped my boyfriend and I'm on the rebound. I’m not hero-worshipping you. You’re my friend, and I love you and I want to try this.”
“You what?” Danny whispers. He doesn’t know what to say to any of what Allison just said.
“I want to try this. You and me. We have a lot of fun together, don’t we? You like me. I know you do. I really like hanging out with you. And you’re an attractive guy. I know you’d treat me right. I don’t care about the age difference. Age doesn’t matter. So why not just do this thing? I’m ready for it. I want it.”
Danny’s head is dizzy with all the information Allison’s effectively smacking him in the face with. All he can think is yes and I love you too and I feel like a stupid teenager when I’m around you and you really don’t know what you’re asking and someone is going to kill me…probably Adam and let’s do this.
“You can’t…” he starts lamely, still trying to wrap his head around the jumble of thoughts in his brain. He’s wanted this, oh, how he’s wanted this. He’s tried so hard to forget how much he wants, but Allison is sitting here, in his arms, and she’s beautiful and willing and he’s starting to think God’s abandoned him completely.
Or perhaps this is in God’s plan. Everything is in God’s plan.
“God, you’re so beautiful,” he says to her, falling into his emotions, and watches as Allison’s eyes soften a little as she smiles. He takes her face into his hands, brushing his thumbs across her cheekbones, and kisses her, pulling her to him. She comes willingly, climbing into his lap, wrapping her arms around him.
It feels so good to have her here, to be enveloped by her smell, which is faintly musky and yet so intoxicating. He’s just kissing her softly, with the barest hint of urgency; he doesn’t want to rush this; he doesn’t want to scare her away. He wants to savor it – to remember this feeling. He wants to make her feel loved and safe.
Her nose is bumping into his glasses, so he pulls back for the briefest of moments to take them off and set them on the coffee table. When he turns back to Allison, she’s latching onto him – pulling him to her, pulling him on top of her, kissing and nipping at his mouth while her fingers scramble with the buttons of his shirt. He can feel himself fitting between her legs like he was always meant to, feels himself grow harder with each passing second of vivacious energy that’s emanating from the girl in his arms. He’s almost afraid to lie fully on top of her – afraid she might somehow break – but then the last of his buttons are free, and she’s forcefully pushing his shirt down and away.
Danny sits back to finish taking off his shirt and flings it over his shoulder, and Allison gets up on an elbow and reaches out to him, running painted nails down his abdomen. He sucks in a breath – her hands are so cold – before she tugs on the waist of his jeans asking silently for him to return to kissing her. He leans down, breathing hotly into her open mouth for a second before pressing his lips over hers, his tongue slipping in between her teeth and coaxing hers into action. She moans into his mouth, and he nearly comes undone.
Allison pushes at him so she can sit up, pulling her shirt over her head and tossing it away. She shakes her head a little; her waves of scarlet hair seem miles long, tumbling back into place. Danny is breathless, looking at her in her simple black bra and jeans, the soft brown melanin of her skin glowing in the low light of the room. She lays back down, her eyes lidded and a small smile on her kiss-bruised lips. Her hair falls over the side of the sofa and it’s one of the sexiest things Danny’s ever seen.
He eases down on top of her, the heat of her skin burning his, even though he thought he was burning hotter than a supernova, despite the cool breeze in the room. He hisses into their kiss when her hands touch his sides – they’re still so cold. His hands travel from her hair to her arm to her thigh and back up again, just touching, touching. Her fingers are warming to his back, digging into his skin as if to pull him closer, when there’s no closer to get to. He trails kisses down her jaw and to her neck; she hums in appreciation, shivering a little under him. She smells so good.
“Danny,” she says with a husky voice, and he moans, involuntarily grinding against her, to which she makes a noise of approval. “Danny, I want you to…”
There’s something about the tone of her voice that makes Danny pull away to look at her in the eye. “Yeah?” He’s breathing hard, and really just wants to hear her say his name again in that voice.
“I want…” she starts again, her eyes looking away, and she blushes. “Could you…could we…?”
Danny’s brow furrows. “Move to the bed?” he suggests, uncertain.
Allison nods. “I just want…to get more comfortable.”
“Oh, I’m sorry!” Danny says as he makes to get off of her.
“No, no!” she says, pulling him back down. “You’re not hurting me. I just thought…we might want more room…” She has that tone again, and Danny has a sudden, very terrifying thought.
“You… Is this your…? You’ve done things before haven’t you? Like…um…had sex?” Danny winces, realizing he sounds like a complete douche and is assuming things about the situation and Allison, and he starts to correct himself when Allison says,
“Well, Jeremy and I screwed around, but not… No, I haven’t. I mean, I haven’t really had any boyfriends besides Jeremy since I was fifteen, so…” She’s looking very vulnerable, rubbing her hands nervously up his arms.
“You – I – Oh crap.” Danny scrambles to sit up, but overcorrects himself, falling onto his back on the floor instead, his shoulder hitting the coffee table hard on the way down.
“Danny?” Allison is looking at him from over the side of the couch.
“You haven’t…oh God.” Danny rubs his face, trying to scrub out the images of the implications of what was about to happen fly through his brain.
Jailbait, his brain screams at him.
She’s legal, the other side screams back.
He groans.
“Danny, are you okay?”
Danny peeks between his fingers and sees this gorgeous, innocent angel peering down at him with adorable confusion all over her face.
Oh my God.
“Danny, what’s wrong?” Allison is starting to sound a little annoyed at his lack of response.
Danny sits up and scrabbles for his glasses on the coffee table. “I can’t do this,” he says, slipping his glasses on and reaching forward to pick up his shirt. He gets to his feet and shrugs it on, frantically trying to do up the buttons, and not looking at Allison. God, his shoulder hurts.
“You what?”
“I can’t – I can’t do this, Alli,” he says. He looks out towards the Seattle skyline and wishes he hadn’t. He can see Allison’s reflection in the glass, and she looks extremely not amused.
“Why not?” her voice is getting an edge to it, and he closes his eyes, hating that he has to do this, that he’s making her upset. He never wants her to be upset ever.
“Because…I just…”
“What, is it because I’m a virgin?"
Danny winces and turns around. She’s sitting there, still topless, her fiery hair in a pool around her, looking up at him like a very pissed off angel now. “No. Well, yes. I dunno. Alli-”
“Don’t call me that right now, Danny.”
“Allison.” He thinks to sit down and take her hands in his, but she shies away at his movement, so he settles for kneeling on the floor, and looking up at her. “Allison, I care about you. So much. And I have wanted this. For a long time. But when I thought I couldn’t have you, it was easy to see that you’re more mature than any girl your age has any right to be, but now…I can’t take that away from you. I can’t take your innocence away. We shouldn’t even – we shouldn’t do that anyway, have sex. Before marriage, I mean.” God, he’s such a hypocrite. But he and Sophie…they had been with each other for years before they…
He looks up at her, and the contortion of rage and hurt on her face is something Danny had never thought he’d see, and he prays very hard in that moment that he can take it away; that he can make it go away and never put it there again.
“Fuck you, Danny Gokey. Fuck you. I wasn’t asking – we didn’t necessarily have to-” Her voice is shaking in her anger. “I’m not all that innocent, Danny. If anyone here is immature, it’s you. You can’t fucking decide what you want. First you want me, then you don’t, then you do. Well, fuck it! I don’t care anymore. You’re an asshole, Danny Gokey. Get over yourself and your fucking self-righteousness.”
Allison nearly kicks him in the face getting up from the couch, grabbing her t-shirt and pulling it over her head. She storms over to her bag and flings it over her shoulder. Going over to the door, she turns around and says, “I thought you’d be… I thought you’d be the one to not ever hurt me, Danny. I guess I was wrong.” The pain is clear in her dark eyes, and Danny means to stand up and reach out to her, but she’s gone, out the door, and it slams shut with a horrible finality that makes the silence of the aftermath ring in his ears for hours.
***
Danny wakes up the next morning on the couch, a crick in his neck and his left arm numb from falling asleep on top of it the night before. His glasses are squashed into his face, digging into his nose. He’s still fully dressed, and he remembers why he’s always hated falling asleep in his jeans.
He groans as he pushes himself up from the sofa, his shoulder throbbing where it hit the coffee table last night, and sees his cell phone lying on the table. He grabs it, checking for messages, but only finds an alert from his calendar, reminding him that today is the big day! His first solo concert on his first solo tour.
Yippee.
Sitting up, he sighs, running a hand through his short hair and taking his glasses off so he can try and clean them with the corner of his shirt. It doesn’t work. On his way to the bathroom, he digs into his bag to find his glasses cleaning solution and a wipe rag. He tosses it all on the bathroom counter and goes to take a piss, feeling somewhat more awake and a physical sense of relief as he takes care of his most pressing bodily function.
Washing his hands, he jumps as his phone buzzes on the counter. Drying his hands he looks at the message. It’s from Maggie.
What happened last night? I got a call from the hotel about a disturbance.
Danny winces. After Allison had left last night, Danny had sat on the couch for a long moment wondering what the fuck he was going to do. It was too late to call anyone; they were hours ahead of him, and it was nearly one a.m. Then the room’s phone rang, scaring him half to death. He dashed across the room to pick up the receiver, mostly just to stop the noise, and belatedly realized he needed to answer the phone.
It was the font desk, asking if there was a problem, because there had been yelling and slamming doors heard from his room.
Danny had winced. Everything’s fine, ma’am. Yes, I’m sorry. I know it’s late. Won’t happen again. Goodnight. Thank you. Sorry.
Danny sighs at the memory and texts Maggie a quick reply.
Nothing 2 worry about. Sorry. Gonna get coffee. Be back in time for that interview.
Danny cleans his glasses and then strips down, turning on the shower and closing the curtain behind him and sighing as the hot spray hits his chest. He turns around and tips his head back, trying to relax, but his stomach is all in knots and he can’t focus on anything but Allison Allison Allison and he’s pretty sure he’s going mad.
He reaches for his shampoo, and realizes he’s left it in his bag. Shit. Figuring this day will be crap regardless of what he does right, he eyes the hotel shampoo and gingerly puts some in his palm, grimacing as he rubs it over his head. He was so showering again before the show.
The show! Oh, man, the show. Get your head together, Gokey. You can’t be mooning over some girl when you’ve got a whole gaggle of them to entertain in twelve hours.
Feeling somewhat more refreshed, he methodically gets dressed in some clean clothes and cleans himself up for the day, wondering if he should leave his day-old stubble. It looks good on him, he decides, and he leaves the bathroom feeling much more confident.
He’s rooting through his bag for his sunglasses when he lights upon a necklace Sophia had once given him. It’s a simple silver cross, nothing particularly elaborate, but the back has an inscription:
For I am the earth and the sky and the stars, and you are my beloved son.
The cross is barely big enough to fit all the words, but in this moment, Danny closes his eyes and his hand around the cross, and lets this feeling of peace settle over him.
“Lord God. I know I haven’t been the best Christian lately. I feel like I’ve disappointed you recently, like I’ve disappointed myself. I’ve forgotten your insurmountable love for me, for all of life, and been too focused on things that don’t matter – things that will keep me from your house of love and eternal life. I promise to do better, God. I pray for your love and guidance and wisdom. May it keep me focused in this time of confusion and warring thoughts and feelings. Your son in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Danny presses his lips to the cross before slipping it over his head. It’s been a long time since he’s worn it, and the weight of it is a comfort around his neck rather than a burden.
He leaves his room, asking the front desk for the best coffee within walking distance. The girl he talks to mentions the Starbucks around the corner, but beckons him closer and tells him about a small little place a few blocks away.
“Just follow the Monorail,” she says. “Then take a left on Pike. You’ll see it. It’s where all the bike messengers hang out.”
So Danny sets off, hopping down the steps of the Westin. The empty Monorail track looms overhead and he checks the street signs: 5th and Stewart. It’s rush hour, and there are businesspeople flowing all around him, rushing to get to work, grabbing their morning coffee, cell phones out and bagels in hand. The air is surprisingly clean here; he breathes it in, and feels calm amidst the small maelstrom that is rush hour in downtown Seattle. He thinks he can maybe even smell the salt air from the water a few blocks away.
He takes his time, gazing at the window displays at Nordstrom, wishing it wasn’t quite so early, so more shops were open. He gets to the end of the Monorail track, and realizes he’s on Pine. Where’s Pike?
“Um, excuse me,” he stops a young lady, who looks annoyed at the interruption of her morning routine, before Danny sees a flash of recognition in her eyes. “Where’s Pike Street?”
“Oh, um…Just down the street. One more block.”
“Great,” he smiles, showing his teeth. The young woman only smiles shyly. “Thank you. God bless.” He nods at her and continues walking.
The sun is peeking through the high rises as he turns left on Pike. He sees the place he’s looking for right away – it’s not a coffee shop so much as a walk-up window right in the side of the building. There is already a small line from bikers and businesspeople alike, all waiting for their morning java.
He orders a double tall hazelnut latte and watches the two people inside working, almost dancing in the small space together. He reads one of the laminated news articles about how Monorail Espresso is one of the oldest coffee connoisseurs in Seattle, and eyes a jar of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
“I’ll take a cookie, too,” he tells the barista as she hands over his drink. He notes the “cash only” sign and slides over a twenty as she gives him his cookie and total, and leaves a generous tip in the tip jar. “Thank you,” he says earnestly, smiling as he walks to one of two tiny tables on the edge of the sidewalk.
He sips at his coffee and is more than pleasantly surprised at how good it is. He thinks he falls a little in love with Seattle, with Monorail Espresso, with the girl that helped him get there, and with the woman who told him about it in the first place in that moment. This feeling of peace isn’t going away, and he’s happy he feels more like himself, that he’s happier, that he talked with God this morning. His life had been spinning so out of control, and he didn’t even know himself anymore.
He knows he still needs to talk to Allison, to set things right, but he feels better about doing so now that he feels God’s presence again, now that he’s had some time to think.
His phone buzzes in his pocket and he pulls it out to see that Maggie is calling him.
“Hey Maggie! How’s it going on this beautiful Seattle morning?”
There’s a pause on the other end. “…Fine, for the most part. Where are you?”
“At a coffee shop a few blocks away. You know, they have the best coffee here? And the best oatmeal chocolate chip cookies,” he says as he takes a bite.
“Danny, are you on crack? You leave me some cryptic text message, and just expect me to believe this chipper attitude of yours is because you’re having the best coffee of your life? Danny, please. This is me. Tell me what happened last night that I got a phone call from the hotel staff about it this morning. Is this something that’s going to have an impact on, oh let’s say, your life? Do I need to talk to PR?”
“What? No, no, no. Everything is fine, Maggie. Really. Just…a friend showed up last night, and things didn’t go so well.”
“A friend.”
“Yes, a friend.”
There’s another pregnant pause, and Danny takes a deep gulp of his glorious cup of coffee.
“Danny, did you hire a prostitute?”
Danny sucks in a breath at the same time he swallows, causing him to cough and sputter, his glorious coffee getting gloriously all over him. He’s lucky no one walked by at that second, or else they would have gotten coffee all over them as well.
“What? What? Good Lord, Maggie! No!” He wipes his chin, and gets up to grab some napkins, avoiding the curious looks of passers by. He sits back down and attempts to clean himself up. “Maggie, it was Allison, okay? I can’t believe you’d think I would…”
“I wouldn’t! That’s why I was surprised. Anyway, when did Allison get here? How’d she know which room to go to?”
Danny thinks for a second. “I don’t know, actually. I was just so surprised to see her, I didn’t ask.”
“Why was she here?”
Danny hesitates. “It’s a long story. I’d rather not talk about it, okay? I just wanna stay focused on my concert tonight.”
“Okay. But you’re sure there’s nothing to worry about? I really don’t need to call PR and warn them about anything?”
“No, no. Everything’s fine. It will be fine. I’ll fix it.”
“Fix it? There’s something to be fixed? Oh, Danny.”
“I know, I know. Just…don’t worry about it, okay? Look, I’m heading back to the hotel now. When’s that interview?” He grabs the remains of his coffee and cookie and starts walking.
“In a half-hour. Don’t worry, the reporter is coming here; we’re meeting her in one of the conference rooms. Just get here soon, okay?”
“Nearly there,” Danny says and slides his phone closed.
He is going to fix this. He had just needed some backup from God first. The first Monorail train of the day roars overhead as he walks down 5th Avenue towards the Westin.
***
It turns out “fixing it” includes avoiding the subject all together – long after Seattle has come and gone.
His first solo concert went off without a hitch, and he lit that tiny stage up amidst the screams and cries of his fans. He is on top of the world, and nothing can bring him down.
He catches up with one of the bands he’s opening for in Illinois the next week, after which he heads home to Milwaukee for a few solo concerts. It feels so good to be home, and he’s ecstatic to get an email from Matt saying he’s coming up from Kalamazoo to hang out and see him live.
It’ll be strange seeing you from in the crowd, man, the email reads.
Just don’t throw any underwear at me, and we’ll be cool, Danny replies with a smiley face emoticon.
:( You’re no fun, Danny Gokey.
Danny meets up with Matt for a quick lunch before the show, wedged between the local press junket and sound check.
“Matt!” Danny exclaims as he sees his friend from across the room. They share a hug, and Matt is smiling, and it feels good to have that camaraderie back again. He keeps thinking that he can’t wait for it all to die down so things can be “normal” again, but Danny knows he’s lying to himself. That’s exactly what he doesn’t want. American Idol changed his life and saved him from a path of severe depression, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.
A few straggling reporters ask a few questions of the both of them, and he and Matt joke around like they always did on tour, and it’s like the good old days all over again. Danny thanks God for these small moments of perfect.
Once they’re whisked away and practically locked in the green room with some food, Danny heaves a huge sigh of relief. “It’s good to see you, man,” he says.
“It’s good to see you too. How’s the tour?”
“Not as crazy as the Idol one,” Danny laughs, digging into his sandwich. “But good. Lots of awesome fans. I’m just getting started.”
“True, dat.” Matt drinks some water and says, “So…you gonna tell me about what happened with Allison?”
Danny is starting to think his friends are out to kill him via food. He chokes a little on his sandwich, and Matt gives him a sympathetic look.
“Sorry, man.”
Danny swallows before taking a deep gulp of his water. “I… How do you even…? Nothing happened!” he protests.
“Right.” Matt sits forward and leans in towards Danny. “Look, Allison told Adam, who might have mentioned something to Kris, who might have mentioned something to me. I just wanna know what’s going on, man,” Matt says. “We’re like bros, aren’t we?”
“Yeah. Yeah, man, of course.”
“Well?”
Danny sighs. “It’s…complicated.”
“Let’s start with the you liking Allison part. I didn’t even know.”
“No one did. I thought it was just a stupid crush; that it would go away. But it didn’t. And I wasn’t ever going to tell her about it, but then I met that stupid Jeremy. Do you remember him? The freak at my album party?”
Matt nods. “Wait, though. You’re saying you liked her before that? For how long?”
“Too long. Bad kind of long, Matt.”
Matt’s brow furrows under his fedora as he thinks about that. “Like…before she turned eighteen, kind of bad?” he asks in his stank voice.
Danny nods, not really able to meet Matt’s eyes. “Whoa, man. That’s heavy,” Matt says in his normal voice. Danny silently thanks him for not freaking out and calling him a pedophiliac monster.
“It is. I didn’t want it, you know. I really don’t know why I… Anyhow,” he shrugs, “yeah, I kinda like her, and apparently, after seeing her with Jeremy, people were picking up on my bad mood, and Maggie told me to do something about it, so I met up with Allison and I told her how I felt.”
“No way,” Matt says, obviously a little surprised.
“Yeah. And not just how I felt about her, but how I didn’t think Jeremy was right for her…”
“Wow, man.”
“I know. It…didn’t go all that well. She wasn’t really happy with me, and I probably kinda shocked her.”
“Shocked her? We’re all shocked, man. You’re…”
“Twelve years older than her, I know. I know. I thought that was the end of it, honestly. Then she showed up at my hotel in Seattle last week.”
“Fuck.”
Danny nods. “She told me she dumped Jeremy and wanted to… Wanted to try ‘us’ out.”
“Allison said this? Little Latina rocker girl Allison Iraheta?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve got to be kidding.”
“I wish I was, man.”
“Well, what did you do?”
“I was a little shocked, you know? I mean, she just kisses me out of nowhere, and I had to tell her no, and she looked so confused, Matt.” Danny leans forward on his elbows, burrowing his face in his arms. “I didn’t know what to do! She told me all these things I wanted to hear, and I was weak, Matt. I was weak.”
“You didn’t… Oh, Danny, please tell me you didn’t.”
Danny looks up, his eyes wet. “No,” he chokes out. “No, but we almost. We were headed in that direction. And I just couldn’t do it.”
Matt heaves a sigh of relief, falling back into his seat and Danny understands. He doesn’t think he could ever forgive himself if he had gone through with it.
“I’m guessing she was upset at that, then?” Matt asks.
“Yeah. She…she stormed out. I haven’t had a chance to call her or try and talk to her… I don’t even know what I’d say. I thought I was losing my faith, Matt,” Danny says seriously, looking his friend in the eye. “I seriously was beginning to think God was abandoning me because of my sinful thoughts. But I found him again. I found him, and as much as I love Allison, I couldn’t do that. I just couldn’t.”
“Do you really love her?” Matt asks.
Danny gulps. “Yes and no. Like I loved Sophia? Probably not. As a friend, of course. As more than that…I don’t know. I think I’m very attracted to her, and I’ve been confusing lust with love.”
Matt leans forward and drapes an arm across Danny’s shoulders, getting in close. “I have faith that you’ll figure it out, man. I love ya, you know that? As a brother, of course,” he jokes. Danny smiles, wiping his eyes. “I know that this sort of thing can be confusing, but don’t ever think that God doesn’t love you and isn’t here for you, okay? He’s always got your back. And so do I. Whatever you decide to do.”
“Thanks, man,” Danny says, sniffling a little.
“Awright,” Matt says, sitting up, stank voice back. “Let’s eat this food before they take it away from us, yo!”
Danny laughs, and thanks God again for all the wonderful things and people he’s been blessed with.
***
He spends one extra day in Milwaukee, visiting friends and family, making sure his sublet apartment is doing just fine.
He staying at his parent’s place, just to save some money, but it’s nice to be back home. He hasn’t seen his nieces and nephews in the longest time, and he’s rolling around on the floor with a few of them when the doorbell rings.
“I’ll get it!” he says, needing a breather. He’s not as young as he used to be, he thinks, leaving the rug rats in the living room and disappearing down the hallway.
When he opens the door, the smile dies on his face as he sees Adam Lambert standing on his porch, hip cocked and dark sunglasses in place.
“Adam!” Danny says, completely surprised, before realizing the reason Adam is probably here. He doesn’t need to ask.
Adam hooks a finger on his sunglasses and takes them off, looking straight at Danny, and his expression is very not amused.
“Um…why don’t you…” Danny starts to gesture behind him, but Adam is already moving forward, brushing past him and Danny has to quickly back step to get out of the way in time. Part of him is a little ticked off at Adam’s manners – Adam’s never been the rude sort – but Danny also realizes he should be lucky Adam hasn’t kicked him in the crown jewels yet.
“Allison told me what happened,” Adam says, straight to business, and Danny winces as he closes the door.
“Um…we should go somewhere more private,” Danny suggests, stepping past Adam and leading him past the living room, where he stops to let his family know who was at the door.
“Adam’s in town,” he says as his family looks up at them. Adam smiles at everyone, and they return platitudes and some tight smiles. Danny can tell his parents don’t know what to make of Adam in all his every day glory standing in their living room, plain as night. Some of his cousins and siblings are tittering at each other, and Danny speaks over them.
“We’ll just be up in my room,” he announces. “Got some stuff to talk about.” His smile is tight as well, and he hopes his parents can’t read him.
“Okay, honey,” his mom says. “Let us know if you need anything. Nice to see you again, Adam.”
“You too, Mrs. Gokey,” says Adam, the epitome of the gentleman, smiling at everyone and waving. “Sorry to drop by so unexpectedly, Mr. Gokey.”
“Mr. Lambert,” Danny’s father says before turning his attention elsewhere.
Danny then leads Adam upstairs to his old room, his back stiff. He’s got the stupidest thoughts running through his head; like how heavy Adam’s footsteps sound on his family’s carpeted staircase, and if those boots are steel-toed, because that’d just be cruel. Or if Adam’s maybe more of a sharp-object kind of guy; if he’s going to poke Danny’s eyes out with some of his own eyeliner, just for looking at Allison. Or if Adam will laugh at his old room, filled with outdated posters, awards and old CDs – he’s not sure what’s worse.
Once they get into Danny’s room and Adam’s closed the door behind him, Danny thinks he’s ready for anything.
Until he’s on the floor with pain exploding all along his jaw, and Adam standing over him like some dark, vengeful angel, and Danny thinks wildly that God has sent Gabriel after him.
Then Adam grabs Danny by the collar and pulls him up, shoving him against the small stretch of wall next to his door. Danny winces as the light switch digs into his left kidney. Adam leans in, getting right into his face. Danny realizes then just how much bigger Adam is than him; how much stronger he is than he looks. Adam’s blue eyes are narrowed and cold, cutting right into him. The black make-up around his eyes only makes them stand out, and Danny can’t look away.
“Danny,” Adam says in a low tone that sounds calm and smooth, but Danny knows better – there’s a storm raging just below the surface. “I have known you for two years. You have seen me go through all kinds of shit, and I have never lost my temper. I’ve never gotten physical when I’m upset. I’m the fucking messiah of passive-aggression. The fact that I’ve manhandled you into a wall like you’re nothing should tell you something. What does it tell you, Danny?”
Danny swallows. “It tells me that you’re really pissed off. That I really fucked up.” And now Danny’s swearing in his parent’s house…Adam might as well drag him down to hell now, because Danny’s life is beyond repair.
“Understatement of the century. Look – you fucking fix this, all right? You go find Allison, and you set this right.” Adam shakes Danny a little at the end before releasing him, but continues to stand close. “Sorry about the bruised jaw,” he says, shaking his own hand a little. “Kris sends his regards.”
Danny’s expression falls, and he closes his eyes in acceptance. “I’m sorry.”
“Tell that to Allison.”
“I will. I promise. I just thought…I thought she wouldn’t want to talk to me.”
“She probably doesn’t. You’re not going to give her a choice.”
“I didn’t mean for this to happen, Adam,” Danny says, for some reason wanting his approval, his blessing.
“Look, both Matt and Alli told me what happened. I get it. I get that giving into your ‘primalurges’ is scary to a guy like you. But either go all in or all out, Danny. It’s not fair to anyone, including you, to play games.”
“I wasn’t,” he says lamely, starting to feel frustrated. “Look, Lambert, I like Alli. A lot. But I know what it looks like. I know we both have our images to maintain too, and maybe that’s a little selfish of me, but I don’t want her to be seen as a victim when that’s exactly what she’s not. I care about her. And I didn’t want to be the one to hurt her.”
“You already have, Danny.”
“You don’t think I know that?” he says, his voice rising. “You weren’t there! I saw the look on her face; I saw how much I disappointed her. I didn’t want to, but it’s better this way.”
“Better that she thinks you won’t touch her because she’s not experienced? Yeah, that’s better, Danny.”
“Wait, what?” Danny’s looking at Adam with wide eyes.
Adam gives Danny a calculating stare. “Wow. You really don’t get Alli at all, do you?”
“What do you mean?”
“She thinks you rejected her because she wouldn’t be good enough in bed. That the fact that you guys aren’t married is some reason you can’t be together. That’s what she thinks.”
“I…holy shit,” Danny swears. He thinks back on that night, on what was said, and realizes that that’s exactly what it sounded like his issue was.
“That wasn’t it,” he says quietly.
“Well, then what was it?”
“Well, maybe it was part of it. It was what made me stop and think a little, but it wasn’t because I don’t want her. I do. I just…”
“Didn’t want to be responsible for her virginity?” Adam suggests.
Danny mouth twists into a frown. “Yes. I just didn’t want to hurt her because I wasn’t thinking clearly, because I was blinded by this insane lust. Because she was giving me what I felt I wanted or needed or something, and I was just too caught up in the moment.”
Adam approaches Danny and puts his hands on Danny’s shoulders. “Danny, do you really think you could hurt Alli? Really? She’s not going to break, you know.”
“I know. I told her it was easy, when I didn’t think it would ever happen, to want it and convince myself that despite her age, she was still more mature, and that our age difference really wasn’t a big deal. I guess maybe it is. I’m not sure if I…” Danny frowns and looks up at Adam. “Why do you care? You sound like you’re trying to get me and Allison together.”
Adam rolled his eyes, shaking his head a little. “The exact opposite, actually. I just wanted you to think about why you hurt Allison in the first place. So you could decide how you were going to make amends. It’s not that I don’t think you’d be good to her, Danny. I know you’re a good guy. But you’re right, as an adult, age does matter. At least when dealing with someone as young as Alli. I love the girl to bits, and she is pretty mature for her age, but she’s still a kid in a lot of ways, and I don’t think it’d be healthy for either of you to start a relationship with each other. And not just because of your public images.” Adam claps Danny on the back and pulls him into a brief hug. “That’s just my opinion, though. I think you should think on it really hard before you approach her. Just don’t take too long. You don’t want this to breed into a kind of hatred.”
Danny nods. “Thanks, man.”
“You’re welcome. Now, can I get some ice? My hand is killing me.”
Snorting, Danny leads Adam downstairs. “Only you, Lambert.”
“Hey, have you ever punched someone in the face? I wish I had slapped you, but that seemed rather unmanly.”
Danny gives him an amused look, his eyes darting up and down as they enter the kitchen.
“Oh, you know what I mean,” Adam says. “Besides, it was from Kris. Though he might have been joking.”
“I should be so glad he wasn’t here to do it himself,” Danny says, getting some ice from the freezer and wrapping it in a towel. “That man has got a body like a kick boxer. Tight and compact.”
Adam snorts, and Danny, catching what he said, nearly throws the ice at Adam’s head.
“Oh, you know what I mean!”
“Yeah, but the look on your face…” Adam’s laughing.
“Your face!” Danny taunts back, and as they trade insults back and forth, Danny thanks God again for opening his eyes.
***
He’s back in L.A. for a few days before going off again, this time, to tour bits of the south.
He’s unsure how to initiate contact with Allison, but he’s sure whatever he does will probably end up being ignored, or hung up on. He’s gotta try though, and he has limited time. Adam is gracious enough to tell him where Alli lives (in a moderately sized apartment not far from her mom’s house) and when he believes she has some time. As Danny pushes the buzzer next to Allison’s name on the call box, he sincerely hopes Adam is right.
“Hello?” Allison’s voice sounds even scratchier than normal, if that’s possible, when she answers.
“Hi. Allison? It’s me, Danny.”
“What? Danny?”
“Yeah. Hey I was wondering if we could talk.” He’s thought long and hard about this. About what he wants to say, what he needs to say, and he really hopes Allison will listen to him.
There’s no noise on the other end for a long while, and Danny wonders if he’s been dismissed.
“Yeah, okay. Just give me a second,” Allison’s voice says through the box, and Danny lets out a breath. “It’s number 302.” She buzzes him in, and Danny thanks God for small miracles.
He takes the stairs to slow his process. He realizes that she wasn’t expecting him, and is probably in a rush, cleaning or getting dressed or something. He sympathizes with her. He’s nervous as hell.
He finds her door and stands there for a moment, just breathing, praying. Nodding to himself in reassurance, he raises his fist and raps lightly on the door. There’s a noise and a slamming sound inside, which makes Danny think Allison just shoved a whole bunch of stuff in a closet, and then the door opens with a whoosh, and Danny is seeing Allison, who looks flushed and gorgeous, and his heart clenches painfully in his chest for a few beats before he can breathe again.
“Allison,” he breathes in a whisper.
“Danny,” she replies, and Danny missed that voice; that husky, breathy murmur that really made it quite hard to remember that she was only eighteen.
“Um… Can I…?” Danny has his hands it his pockets, but takes one out and gestures to her apartment.
“Oh! Um, yes,” Allison says, moving out of the way, looking down at the floor.
Danny slides in past her, taking in the dark hardwood flooring and the numerous pictures of family and friends on the walls. The kitchen is larger than the one he has, and it has a bar that opens up into the large living room. There are some doors lining the opposite wall, and Danny assumes those lead to the bathroom and bedroom. The whole place as a very southwestern feel to it, with tiles and rich tones. He likes it, and thinks it fits Allison perfectly.
Danny looks at Allison, who is standing near the door still looking downward, her long cascade of hair falling in her eyes. She looks very small, and it hurts Danny to think of her as anything but larger than life. She’s wearing a bright pink t-shirt and some loose black pants.
“Are you going to say anything?” she finally asks, looking up at him, and his lips part in a shuddering breath. She looks determinedly stoic; sober and detached in a way that makes his heart ache a little.
“Allison, I’m sorry.”
Allison cocks her head to the side, looking at him like she’s still waiting for him to cut his heart out of his chest and lay it out on a silver platter for her to devour at a time of her choosing.
Danny takes his hands out of his pockets – he’s so used to using them while he talks – and then feels stupid for trying to talk with his hands at a time like this so he shoves them back in. All the words he had been practicing ever since Adam left him in Milwaukee have crumbled and disappeared, like ash blown away by a wind.
“Allison, you’re my friend. I love you and care about you, and yes, I find you very attractive.”
“But…?” She sounds resigned.
“But nothing. That’s it. That’s…how I feel about you.” Oh, Lord, that sounded really lame. Back me up, here, God.
“Then what’s the problem?” Allison asks, and Danny looks up at her. She’s shaking her head in disbelief and holding her arms away from her body. “What the fuck happened in Seattle, Danny?”
“I…” he tries grounding himself mentally. Tries thinking of the things he told Matt and Adam, and eventually, his mom and dad, his pastors and friends of his old church, Jeff and Robin.
“It wasn’t because you’re a virgin, Alli, so please don’t think that I wouldn’t want you because of that.”
Allison folds her arms over her chest and looks away. Danny steps towards her, wanting to offer some kind of comfort, but stops when she looks up.
“You are so incredible,” he says, and he means it with all his heart. “You are beautiful, and funny, and amazingly talented and I want to be around you all the time. You shocked me, that night, when you said you wanted the same thing. I didn’t know what to do or say. You caught me when I was…feeling weak and unsure about myself, and about God, and about his role in my life. Having feelings for you questioned my faith, Alli. I thought for sure I would burn in hell for the thoughts I was having about you.”
“Because of my age.” It’s a simple statement, but it holds so much weight. It is the crux of the whole situation.
Danny sighs. “Yes, because of your age.”
Allison’s hands drop to her sides with her hands curled into tight fists. She has that angry hurt expression again, and it’s really more than Danny can stand.
“Fuck my age, Danny! Just – just – forget about how old I am for a second! Why does it even matter? I’m eighteen now, right? I’m an adult, and I can make my own decisions!”
“But Alli…”
“No! Don’t ‘but Alli’ me, Danny Gokey! Stop saying that you love me, that you want me, and then cut it off with something as dumb as the year I was born in! That’s out of my control!” Allison makes to storm past him, but Danny tries to catch her.
“Let go of me!”
“Allison, please, just listen for a second. Calm down.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down! I am so upset at you right now. You and your confusing boy-words and-” and then she starts spitting out Spanish and Danny completely loses what she is saying.
“Sorry, what? Allison,” he interrupts, placing a hand on her head, “I don’t speak Spanish. You need to translate.”
Allison deflates and slumps against him, her head down. “Doesn’t matter. It was more for me anyhow. God, this emotional stuff sucks.”
His fingers get tangled in her long hair, and he has to pull away to remove his hand before he puts his arms fully around her in a hug, sliding his fingers down her spine, which causes her to shiver against him.
“I care about you so much, Allison. I really do. And…I don’t think your age should matter. Really, I don’t. But you’re an angel, and I can’t imagine you being with stodgy old me in ten years.”
Allison chuckles dryly and looks up at him, her cheeks a little wet. “Joking at a time like this?” she asks rhetorically.
Danny smiles and wipes the tears from her face. “Well, I am getting rather old,” he says seriously.
Allison laughs, this hearty, throaty laugh that Danny loves so much, tilting her head back. He probably falls a little in love with her at that moment, but he knows it isn’t the time.
Allison throws her arms around Danny’s neck in a stronghold hug, and he buries his face in her hair, breathing in that musky scent.
“I love you, Danny Gokey,” she says wistfully against his ear and then pulls back.
He doesn’t think too hard on it; he lets his heart guide him – his heart that’s filled with God’s light and love, and the love of this angel – and leans down and presses his lips against hers. When he pulls away, after just a sweet moment, he says, “I love you too, Alli. I wish…I wish things could be different. I wish I didn’t have to say something stupid like, ‘you’ll understand when you’re older’; because I think you’re smart enough to understand now. That we’re just in two different places in our lives. Sure, we’re both recording music and touring, and our lives are crazy, but I’ve already been married, had a life with someone I loved – still love – deeply. And you’re life is just beginning, baby. You’ve got a whole mess of things to still discover. But I’ll always be here for you, you know that, right?”
Allison nods, her smile soft. “I understand, Danny. I mean, thinking back on it, what I did was pretty crazy, huh?” She sighs. “I just knew that you were this awesome, good-looking guy who would treat me right, and cared about me, and I think I just felt I needed that, you know? That you were the whole package.”
“I’m not?” Danny says, mock hurt.
Allison smacks him on the shoulder. “You know what I mean. You are the whole package, but you’re right. You’re too old for me.”
“Hey!”
Allison pulls completely away and smiles up at him through her bangs. “You said it first, buddy.”
“Yeah, but still,” Danny says, rubbing the non-existent sore spot on his arm.
“C’mon, Danny Gokey,” Allison says, slinging an arm around his shoulder and grabbing her keys. “Let’s get you into that California sun. You are far too pale for a Latina like me.”
***
He’s on the last show of his tour, and he can barely remember himself some days, but it’s the best kind of feeling. He only wishes all of his fellow idols were there, reliving the best of moments with him. He knows a few of them are in the audience, since his last stop is in L.A., but he’s not sure who all made it. He figures he’ll find out at the small after party.
In the mean time, he’s on the smaller stage, thinking about his set, and his last song. He usually has this song in the middle of his set somewhere – it’s not the most energizing of songs, more low key, but very emotionally raw, and he believes he can pull it off as a last send off before he retires for the night.
As he stands there, about to go into his short spiel about how he’s dedicating this song to his beloved Sophia, he realizes who the song is really about. He puts the mic up to his mouth.
“I want to thank you all for coming out tonight, L.A. You rock.” He smiles at the rise in noise from the crowd. “L.A. is where it all started for me you know. And this last song… The last song I’m gonna sing for you tonight is a song that’s close to my heart. It’s called Setting Angels Free.” The crowd goes wild. “And I was blessed to be able to write all the lyrics. I usually dedicate this song to Sophia, my late wife. But tonight…tonight I’m dedicating it to my dear friend, Allison Iraheta.”
And he swears he sees her scarlet curls bouncing around among the crowd, and he smiles, thanking God for blessing him with so many angels in his life.
|
